I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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