I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
