God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My liver is preforming stress tests.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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