the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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