one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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