Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
