I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
