i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
