mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
