Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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