I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
