My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
