Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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