I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
