i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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