Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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