My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
