Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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