I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
