This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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