Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
