i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
