i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
