Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
