he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
