I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize
