Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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