I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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