People in love make me want to vomit
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
