Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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