i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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