Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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