I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Do vagina's smell?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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