No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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