I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
