I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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