i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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