Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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