with your own penis?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
