glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
