My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Best friends brother. Beat that.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
