Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
