My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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