I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
