i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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