she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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