Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
