Umm I'm too high to move.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
