I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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