so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
