His hands were made for my vagina.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
