It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
