went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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