Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
